Faking Sick To Stay Home From School
School! It seems like everyone hates it! I used to fake having Epileptic seizures just to get out of it...complete with urinating in my uniform. I always go all out, I never do anything half *ss. My cousin used to take a mixture of eggs, sausage pieces, (it was Europe sausage was always readily available), add food coloring and pretend to throw it up. She was my hero!
She showed me one day how she did it and I was amazed. She would keep a bottle of it by her bed and then scream out, "Oh my god!" She'd then run to the toilet and throw it in splashing it everywhere to add to the effect and voila....no school. My aunt fell for it every time. She would sell it like Dick Cheney does Halliburton Contracts to our current administration. To this day my aunt thinks my cousin suffers from some mysterious digestive disorder.
My next door neighbor, Brian, used to fake a head injury. He'd fall down the stairs and then quickly hide in a dark bathroom for a few minutes. He'd then run to his mother and tell her I just hit my head. She'd look at his pupils, see that they were dilated and get all nervous and run him to the emergency room. She fell for this three times (she was a soft touch) until upon the third time just by chance they saw the same doctor in the ER and being a father of five he was wise to Brian's scheme.
All this proves one thing - kids in the seventies were a lot more creative. Less stuff, less television and more playing outside does make a difference.
Lily, just one month shy of her fifth birthday, has figured out her key to coming home early from school: faking a sore throat and complaining of breathing problems. You see, she has serious, chronic asthma so when she complains of trouble breathing the school nurse has to take her seriously. Brilliant! This sudden break through is giving me renewed hope: she may be in Inclusion but there's obviously nothing wrong with her brain.
Yesterday, was her first day pulling this nonsense but she got what she wanted, the golden palace of recovery - HOME. I got a call from the school nurse stating that Lily wasn't feeling well and that she (Lily) started hysterically crying after lunch and was completely distraught, so much so that she couldn't finish her work. And her teacher played right along into it!
When I went to the school, her teacher was holding her hand and she was crying. (Lily of course not the teacher....it should have been me crying at that point.) The teacher stated, "This so not like her, she can't focus [let me remind you, she's in Inclusion, paying attention is not her forte'], she's so upset. She says her belly hurts." In all fairness, teachers are required to follow through on medical explanations for students' ailments before thinking otherwise. Even the teachers are powerless to exercise their expertise and common sense in this litigious society.
So, I took her home. She said her belly hurt for god's sake! And she's not a 'problem' child so when she has a physical lament people listen. But let me tell you, the minute we walked in that door she suddenly, miraculously recovered: she was jumping all over the couch like a bloody mountain goat; demanding hot chocolate with marshmallows; her CareBears videos; asking if her friend Daniel could still come over for a play date after school; etc. It was quite astonishing.
So like a fool, I played right into all this. I gave her the hot chocolate with marshmallows, put on the CareBears and nebulized her again just to be on the safe side.
Last night, my husband put her to bed extra early and lavished her with even more attention than she normally gets. Which I didn't think was even possible as he's such an attentive dad. I guess he just crawled under her skin or something.
This morning she was fine. She was bright and happy, laughing and joking before school. I nebulized her as I always do with her maintenance meds when she's been complaining of tightness in the chest and to be fair, she is recovering from a cold. I got her dressed and at 8:00am walked her over to school. The whole way she was fine.
At 9:00 my phone started ringing. First it was her teacher, then the school nurse: "Lily says her belly hurts again and her throat. She's distraught, she's hysterically crying and wants to go home." I asked the nurse if Lily's throat was red and if she had a temperature. No, the nurse responded. To which I said, perhaps there's something more going on here.
Her teachers insist that there must be something going on at home for Lily to be so upset in school. I've sought the wise council of my friend Jean, Lily's pre-school teacher, who has several ideas: someone or something in school might have upset her; she's reacting to the physical changes in our home in preparation for the adoption; she may be going through a 'I'm tired of school phase', she just may need a break from school because she's in full-day and is still really a baby.
Lily is the youngest in her class. Being a December baby ain't easy. That's why Larry and I are really trying for another one now. If we conceive this month then the baby would be due in the summer. That means I'd have a second child and a second behind to boot! Great, summer is going to be even sexier for me this year in my tankini with the built-in skirt.....hopefully.
I keep trying to pull out of Lily who or what upset her in school. She says she can't remember. So, I don't know what's going on. I'm just going to be extra patient and comforting with her until she gets through this.
What tricks did you pull to get out of school? Share with us your 'get out of school quick' card. Or if your child makes you proud with his or her theatrics please tell.
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Theatrics? Theatrics, I've got. When my daughter was about two, she needed a diaper change. I mean, *really* needed one. However, she was having none of it, so it took of us to get her changed and cleaned up. Afterwards, all three of us were pretty torqued at each other, so we put her in her room to cool off. As her bedroom was right near the top of our stairs and she has always leaned toward the dramatic, I hung out by her door to make sure she didn't fling herself down the stairs.
About a minute after we put her in her room, the door opened, her pants came flying out, and the door slammed. Another 30 seconds, and the door opened a second time; this time it was the diaper sailing out ... followed by the inevitable door slam! At that point, I lost it: how can you possibly keep from laughing hysterically at a kid with that much spunk at such a young age?
P.S. She'll be 9 in December, and she has lost none of the drama or fire! :-) I can only cringe inwardly at the prospect of her teen years ...
What is it?? Everytime you write an article, Solo Mom turns around and writes one too about the same subject. I think she's stalking you or jealous or something. Some may even call it 'picking your brain.'
Sorry Karen, but that would imply that I actually read Funny Mom.
Thanks for reading Solo Mom, though. I hope you'll follow me to my new site, Parenting Without A License, when I leave iVillage next week!
Because unlike our entires section, all of our comments get lumped together. Naturally, I see my name, I read the comment.
I assure you, the only obsessing I'm doing about this blog is counting the days until I won't be a part of it anymore.
Then why are you reacting to the comments section of her blog? I think you do read it. And I think you obsess on it.
Sherry, I love this blog. I can so relate. My kids also faked illness to stay home from school. Always turned out they were going through something: being bullied; missing their dead beat father. At least it's a quick indicator that something is up.
My wife told me to check this blog out. I actually laughed.
I faked having chicken pox when I was 8. My brother dotted my entire body (I mean entire, we took it seriously) with a pink magic marker. Didn't work. Wound up in the school psychologists office instead.
I so relate, I used to fake a fever. Don't ask me why or how but the school nurse bought it everytime.
My 7 year old fakes stomach aches.
In order to fake stuff you have to know your science or want to know it. PARENTS LEARN. She is gaining in you!
haha...I used to fake sick as often as possible. I did the fake vomit as well. I mixed all kinds of crap...along with act mouthwash (vomit is usually pink I figured) it worked. Sometimes I would even bother mixing stuff, I would just dump water into the toilet and flush it claming vomit.
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