One Mom's Bon Mot
Chatting about our kids, some of who are working on leaving the nest—a real work in progress, that—my friend Alyssa offered up this maternal bon mot: “The bigger your kids, the bigger the problems, but the less you can do about them.” To which I say, “Ain’t that the truth.”
I’d heard the “bigger kids, bigger problems” saying before, but “the less you can do about them” part was new to me. And really hit home. Sure, the issues becoming bigger—getting the baby off the bottle becomes getting the Kindergartener hooked on reading and morphs yet again to getting the teen off a different kind of bottle—I got that.
What I am only now coming around to realizing is how little I can (and should) do as a mom—other than listen and volunteer advice but only if asked when my older kids are faced with emerging-into-young-adulthood kinds of issues. (And boy oh boy, is it hard to sit back and hold my tongue if my kids don’t want to hear what I want to say.)
Anyhoo, with apologies to Mike Myers’ infamous “Coffee Talk” character on “Saturday Night Live:” "The bigger your kids, the bigger the problems, but the less you can do about them.” Discuss amongst yourselves, please. (And let me eavesdrop!)
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My son is turning 21 shortly and my biggest frustration has to do with "his right to privacy" as far as the medical profession and college system works. I'm supposed to pay his medical bills but the doctors cannot tell me anything without his written consent and the colleges won't give me his grades even though I pay for tuition, room and board!
I have two in college and all the "privacy" stuff drives me crazy too...but i guess the idea is to have parents step back, take a deep breath, and start to let go. (And keep on paying those bills without question!)
Or you could stop paying the bills, if it bothers you so much. Since when did it become accepted that parents are required to pay for their children's educations.
And I'm sorry, expecting your 21 year old son's doctor to consult with you is ridiculous. Your employer essentially pays for your benefits--does that mean that your boss should receive a report every time you see the doctor?
If you show your children that you value their privacy, you will find that as young adults they have very little need of it--for the important stuff, anyway. If, however, you insist on being a part of every decision and knowing about every detail of their personal lives, I can guarantee you'll find yourself on the outside with no way to look in.
Yes, trying to solve all of your kids' problems, especially although not only the problems of your grown kids, is in the long run sending them a very bad message: that you think they're incompetent. If you give them space and responsibility, they will learn how to make mistakes and recover from them. What could be more empowering? And paying for their education should be something that you do because you can and because you want to. You should never demand anything in return, especially information. And I totally agree that a 21-year-old's doctor should keep everything that transpires between him or her and the doctor strictly confidential. If your 21-year-old wants to share personal info with you, that's fine, but you shouldn't try to do an end run behind their back to find something out! Very bad mom!
I work in the higher ed industry ... and there's an industry term for parents so involved in their kids' college education: "helicopter parent." It adds a whole other layer of issues, administration, complexity and communications for the colleges and universities when they have to worry about the parents involvement in the students' life. (Just as an FYI to think about as you watch your tuition bills skyrocket.)
I especially like Ali's comments about what kind of message we send to our kids when we get overly involved in their lives (though I admit, the temptation is overwhelming). I suspect that if we raise our kids with respect and space, they will respond in kind.
You surely don't want your 40-something child demanding that your doctor give up the goods on you when you are older, right? ;-)
Let me clarify....my son has grown into a fine, responsible young man who does well in school and has worked part-time to pay for personal expenses since he was a teenager.We have made a conscious effort to teach him independence. However, he has had some medical issues over the last 2 years and still wants (and is entitled to) his parents' involvement in his treatment. So, until you walk in my shoes having a child away from home facing medical challenges, don't judge!!!