Only Child Blues
"When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child...eventually."
-- Steven Wright
Robin Williams, Natalie Portman, Franklin Roosevelt, Alan Greenspan, Frank Sinatra and Cary Grant are just a few of the famous only children .
Recently, I posted that we're in the process of adopting and we're still trying to have another one the old fashioned way....E Bay....just kidding. Some of my readers have been asking me why at this stage of our lives (we're in our late 30's and my career involves a lot of travel but only on weekends) are we trying to add more stress to our family via another child.
Let me be totally honest with you. The idea of going back to diapers (especially the poopy ones), losing what precious little personal time I have for myself and my career do not thrill me. But this is how it is. Parenthood is a drain on one's energy, time and wallet. Those of us who are parents know this and accept it for being what it is....just part of life. It's a trade off but it's one I'm, we're, willing to make. We feel we've been on the winning side of that trade off and we're willing to do it again because it's so worth it.
I have always wanted a big family. My parents are immigrants. We never had any family close enough to regularly visit (without expensive plane trips) when we were kids. We spent many holidays alone and I never want my child or children to experience that. Here's the rub: I really want to have another child for Lily.
This past weekend galvanized this for me. I performed at a resort in the Poconos that I've been working at for well over nine years. We're very close with the people who own the resort but to say they are like family is an insult. Unlike family, I really look forward to seeing them. Just kidding. Seriously though, when I work the resort Lily and the hubby come with me and we have a great time bonding with the owner's young son (10 year old) Jonathon.
Lily and Jonathon have a mutual appreciation society going on. They have much in common as well as being only children. Whenever we leave the resort Jonathon is in tears. He loves Lily's company and they play together so nicely. For the first time in the four years since Lily has been going to the resort (her first trip was when she was six months old), she was in tears as well when we left on Sunday.
The whole way home she was quiet and melancholy and she has remained so for the past few days. She told me, "Mama, I really miss Jonathon." Oh my god! My heart aches for her. She's lonely.
I know the trend for many big city families is to have only one child and I know the benefits websites tout like: parents of only children have more money to spend on those children therefore their environments are more enriched; they have more time for them because they are not splitting that time with other children, etc.... I hear all those reasons and they're great and if that's your personal choice that's fine. But for us, witnessing our daughter's sadness on weekends, when her friends are not available, long holidays and whenever we leave her cousins' house is overwhelming.
I feel a tremendous need to provide her with siblings....and I don't want to raise another Robin Williams. That's reason enough to have another one!
0 TrackBacks
Listed below are links to blogs that reference this entry: Only Child Blues.
TrackBack URL for this entry: http://thedailymom.ivillage.com/system/mt-tb.cgi/716
OH SWEETHEART- Sorry, I was playing devils advocate. I adore you and yes you will. Yes it will be ok. It IS worth it. There are little 'tricks "out there that maybe can help.Have had lots of friends in late 30's that wanted to have a baby and couldn't . Just reply if you want to know what I know. Not Appropriate here. Hey, can't count how many times you have made me laugh,would love to give something back to you.
Yes but now you are in catch 22 land because by the time you have a baby or adoption is finalised Lily will be what 5? give the baby 18 months to 2 years before he/she is able to "play" and you have a 7 year age gap. its too much.
It never fails to amaze me at how intrusive we posters can be into bloggers lives. There is NO NEED to justify yourself to nameless, faceless readers. You need to do what is right for you and your family; and you -- not us -- know what is right. Period. So, at the risk of being a total hypocrite, take my advice and tell us to shove it. :-)
I have to tell you, I don't believe in only children. Every single only child I've known, well let's just say I can spot an only child within 5 minutes of conversation. You are sooooo doing the right thing.
Well.. I was five wen my sis was born.. and i had great bonding with her before she was able to play with me. I wud help my parents put her to sleep, feed her formula etc. U kno, baby stuff.. And yes i actually do remember it all. I'm 20 now. And we're still very close and watch each other's back. I've always kinda mothered her but that hapns between sisters. So dont worry bout wat Cassie is saying. I can say from personal experience that 5 years is really not too much age gap. If fact now that we've grown up, me my mum and her are more like girlfriends. Ofcourse we hav our lil catfights. But thats part of being sisters. Hope my experience can b of som help to u.
You will never regret having another child. I have 4- they stress me out, they wear me out, they exhaust me, but in the same breath I admit that they thrill me, they amaze me, they fill me... it really is worth it. Go for it!
As an only child I find Sheryls post insulting. "I don't believe in only children" who are you to judge. If that is all a woman is blessed with how could you be so ignorant and cold. Unreal.
DEAR HKP -
I didn't write "I don't believe in only children"- Working Mom (another commenter like yourself) posted that comment.
Growing up an only child, I always longed for a sibling and definately felt those pangs of lonliness from time to time. Mostly, being biracial, I simply wanted someone who I could relate to in that respect (growing up in a mostly-white city in Oregon the the '80s, there weren't many other kids like me). I got my wish for siblings a little later that I had anticipated, and at age 13 the idea of my parents adopting was unfathomable. Why so late in the game? Turns out my mom experienced a tubal pregnancy and the thought that my folks were almost parents again sparked that yearning. Over a decade and FIVE adopted siblings later, I feel I've experienced both sides of the fence. Life as an only was nice: toys, a bedroom, and my parents' attention that I didn't have to share. But learning the lessons of compromise, tolerance, and responsibility (experiencing firsthand what the abandoned kids of a drug addict go through is the world's best birth control) has been so valuable and enriched my life in ways that remaining an only may not have. I can't be certain what my life would be like without my siblings, but I am going to bestow what I consider to be a great gift on my own daughter: next month she'll be a big sister, too.
I am sooooo torn. I have a 5 year old (soon to be 6 year old) son and I cry when I think about how lonely he gets. My hisband and I live check to check and the thought of getting fat and expending our non-exeistent extra income frightens me to no sleep. I don't know what to do.. Help other Moms in the same boat
It's really never too late to have another child. My daughter was born when I was 44 and is 6 now and I often find myself wondering what I would do if I hadn't had her. Yes, its expensive, and yes, it curtails your career a bit, but in the end the love you get is all you need (pardon my cliche)
voneta - if you're struggling financially and can't afford more than one child, you shouldn't have another child. there is no question there.
but in any event...yes, parents have to make more of an active effort to socialize their only children as opposed to it happening naturally in the house with a sibling, but the benefits of having one child FAR outweigh this drawback.