Breast Feeding Guilt
My mom breastfed me and she drank too. So technically, I had my first White Russian when I was just six hours old. No wonder I always slept through the night.
I've talked about this before but it's worth revisiting. It still amazes me how much guilt is heaped on women who don't breastfeed. I was at a parents meeting at Lily's school earlier today. One of the mothers was feeding her newborn a bottle during the meeting. The woman was quietly feeding the baby in the back of the room. If it weren't for the stroller I wouldn't have even known she was there.
One of the parents association volunteers went up to the woman and whispered loud enough for all of us to hear (I guess she wanted everyone to know how considerate or p.c. she is), "If you need to breastfeed you can go in the next room."
The mother responded with, "No thanks, we're fine here."
Then another parents association yenta piped in with, "She doesn't breast feed?! What's wrong with her?" If jumping to conclusions were an olympic sport this woman would definitely take the gold.
To which I whispered loud enough for all to hear as well, "Can you mind your business please and just get on with the meeting. We don't have all day here." I always like to give those nosey parkers on the parents association something to gossip about, I really made their day today. They already hate me because of my choice of Halloween costume this year: pregnant nun. Today was yet more ammunition.
Now first of all, the mother never said she wasn't breast feeding. Perhaps she isn't. Who knows? Better yet, who cares? I'm serious when I say that, who really cares? Is what she does any of my business or anyone else's business...of course not. All she said was, "...we're fine here." and suddenly she was the Hester Prinn of lactation. She will be donning a scarlet F for Formula. I'd like to give that yenta a scarlet F myself! She didn't pull a Britney and take her kids hostage, all she said was "...we're fine here...".
What really got me were the stares, the clucking sounds and the group whispers of disapproval when the head washerwoman announced, "She doesn't breast feed?!" P.S. I'm referring to the woman as a washerwoman but she was young, like early thirty-something. This is the kind of thing I expect from older women not younger ones. I guess judgment never goes out of fashion. And I'm not mistaken, the clucks of disapproval were meant for the mother not the comments from the other women.
Why do women feel so entitled to judge each other when it comes to breastfeeding? Whatever happened to the 'it takes a village' thing? Aren't we village people? The whole breastfeeding guilt thing is like the hype surrounding AMERICAN IDOL - I just don't get it. Breastfeeding is not a badge of honor. It's merely one way of providing nourishment to your baby....there are other ways too. I breastfed Lily not because I felt it was a way to build up her immune system and to bond AND because it was cheaper. Have you seen the price of formula lately? Holy crap! It's no wonder new parents struggle so much financially. But breastfeeding doesn't give one supermom status. It's merely one piece in the parenting puzzle. P.S. - The puzzle is never complete.
P.S.S. - I needed to consult a lactation specialist when first breastfeeding because I couldn't get Lily to latch on. Talk about feeling like a failure. I'll never forget the comments from my mother and my aunts, "Women have been doing this for centuries. What's wrong with you?!"
Come on women, it's the age of Hillary. Let's start supporting each other a little more and take ourselves off the guilt trip manifest for once.
Let us know your experience with breastfeeding guilt, anxiety, issues, ridiculous comments...especially those from the opposite sex ('cause those are always so helpful).
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I breastfed my newborn son but had to go back to work when he was 8 weeks old. There was no place to pump in my office other than the gross communal restroom. I had to store the milk in the refrigerator used for lunches. It was so stressful that I finally gave up. The job was equally as stressful so I quit in a huff when he was 4 mos old and went back to being a fulltime mom, volunteering at my gym as a babysitter. One Lactation Nazi had the nerve to give me a book to promote relactation as well as tell me that she "never would've returned to work at the expense of nursing". My son did just fine and survived on formula.
I TOTALLY AGREE with you. My sister-in-law CAN'T breastfeed because of a breast reduction she had at 18. Should she be made to feel like a failure as a mother? Does she love her child less? I don't understand why people don't keep their mouths shut. Good for you for saying something!
I am actually breastfeeding my baby boy - he is 1 month old - and he isn't gaining weight. So I am combining breast milk and formula for his feedings. At first I felt really bad and like a total failure because of this, but my boy has gained a pound since and I don't feel that bad at all. I think he is doing much better and that makes me feel awesome. By saying this I now agree that whatever makes your baby healthy is the right thing to do. Maybe breast maybe bottle just make sure he or she is happy!
"Breastfeeding is not a badge of honor" so glad you said that. Breastfed my son until he was 6 weeks I just simply could not keep up with what he needed. I could not breast feed my daughter I was on medication to help me clot. The best formula I found was Carnation Good Start . Was the easiest on their tummies .
Woman who don't breastfeed may already feel guilty. For Instance, in my case, I was having trouble breastfeeding right from the begining. I had several nurses in the hospital try to help and also I had private sessions with a Lactation Consultant(who was amazing and very patient). Due to uncontrolable curcumstances (ie. my baby's tongue is heart shaped and her top lip curled under everytime she tried to latch on-not to mention my nipples weren't exactly perking up to the occasion) I was unsuccessful breastfeeding. Did I go through the guilt...YES! So much guilt and pressure that I ended up with a serious case of "post-pardum". It seemed as though everyone around me made it worse. Everyday there was the question "How's the breastfeeding going and have you tried this yet"...as if I wasn't trying hard enough to breastfeed! I must have tried every contraption in the book...from tubes that tape to my nipple to nipple shields. I decided to pump and substitute with formula when necessary. Dakota is now 10months old already walking and saying Mama, Dada, Doogie. My baby girl was and still is very well nurished and as a matter of fact has had very few colds as well. I've learned it's not the end of the world if you can't breastfeed, just the begining of a learning process between you and your very special little one!
Breastfeeding is great. If your baby is thriving. My son wasn't. He latched on fine, but did not gain for the first month. I simply didn't have enough milk for him. I tried a multitude of strategies. I put him on a strict 2 hour feeding schedule to build up supply and even went on medication. Nothing worked. I started supplementing with formula and eventually had to go all formula. He started gaining and is quite the little chunk now. (Not really fat, just a big baby all around. He was 9lb. 7oz at birth.) I was so sure he would be able to nurse. His 2-year old sister couldn't either. I felt entirely useless. Like I could conceive, carry, and deliver relatively easily. But I couldn't feed them. My husband was wonderful. He told me all the right things and reminded me that if we were living 3 or 4 hundred years ago, the outlook for the kids could have been bleak. I was still depressed and feel that is part of what sent me into a period of post-partum. I would look at my breasts in the mirror and just wish they were gone. They were totally useless as far as I was concerned. (My husband would have quite a different opinion of that.)
As it turned out with both of my children, they couldn't have stayed on breast milk long anyway. They both required soy formula. I still feel bad about not being able to nurse, but it's all about what's best for baby, not me. They're doing just fine and my daughter's development is ahead of schedule for a 2 year old. Who could ask for more than happy healthy kids?
i breast fed for the first 2 months and loved it but as my daughter wasnt gaining weight i swapped to formula.
i dont understand woman who dont even try to breast feed after all we are ment to-why else do we produce milk?!
but i do think if you are unable to then you shouldnt feel ashamed as you did try to give your child the best
-and it is, when i breast fed my daughter she was never sick but as soon as i went to formula she was sick all the time as did my friends children who were never breast fed.
Though i am uneasy about children( not babies!) being breast fed -its not like they need it so surely the mothers are thinking more of their own emotional needs then their childrens?!
I have learned from personal experience never to judge others... we never know what the situation might be.
I had always been eager to breast feed my baby. I considered it a duty of mine since I was an educated new Mother. The road blocks started right away... First, I had inverted nipples. I wore special hard shells up until his birth. Then my son was born tongue-tied. This made it much more difficult for both of us. So, I used a nipple shield to allow him to latch on.
Then the bomb-shell dropped! My son has a metabolic disorder and requires medically altered formula. I cried! I had tried so hard to breast feed my son, and then found out that it was actually bad for him.
Now I use a bottle with his prescribed formula and his is healthy. I still get weird looks from friends, and feel guilty at our "alternative lifestyle", but I will never judge someone else for their situation.
Just curious...why would she have to go to another room to breastfeed to begin with?? Wasn't THAT comment itself pretty un-P.C.?