Do Parents Have The Right To Hold Back Their Child In School?
We're faced with an educational dilemma here in Brooklyn. Lily, our five year old whose birthday is December 22nd, is having trouble keeping up in Kindergarten. Believe it or not, they're only 5, 6 at the most, and they're doing fractions this week! Lily, like most kids her age has trouble paying attention so fractions are really a joke to her and she's the youngest in her class so she has 'maturation issues' already. I even tried to make the fractions homework fun last night: if you have one booger and you cut it in two that makes two halves of a booger. You see maturation issues run in the family.
Now fractions to me, are first grade level work. Even Lily's teachers agree the standards of the state educational board that decides on curricula are not age appropriate. But make no mistake, many, many schools are pushing our children to learn earlier and earlier. New York State isn't alone in this. On a lighter note, I believe in a life of lowered expectations and standards. And that we should start disappointing our children now if we're really going to prepare them for the world.
Now if we're able to sell our house the district we're moving into has a December 1st cut off date for Kindergarten. So, if we lived there already Lily wouldn't be in Kindergarten this year - she'd be doing another year of Pre K. So, if we move, Lily will be repeating Kindergarten. So, I decided, that even if we're not able to sell our house, (who knows, thanks George Bush!) that I want Lily to repeat Kindergarten anyway. Many studies are coming out saying that most children nowadays can really benefit from two years of Kindergarten. And why not?! Why not let her remain a child for as long as possible?! I think 5 is still a baby.
So far, our educational professionals here agree with me. However, two of the other parents who are familiar with our situation and my decision think I'm holding Lily back by holding her back. They totally do not agree and have raised an issues that gives me pause: Lily is the youngest and the tallest in her class so next year she'll be even taller and the kids will be even younger so her size difference may appear freakish and they may tease her for it. To which I say, within two or three years they will all pretty much even out size wise and maybe the children of those midget children should actually start feeding them some real food not just fruit roll ups and McDonalds every day! So when she's older and her peers have more ability to be crueler she can easily defend herself.
I think the boost to her self confidence from a year of review and no longer being the youngest and the one who the teacher always has to slow down for, will be a tremendous bonus for her. And if we do sell this house and move into the district we want for her, the point will be mute. It will be made for me. It's one of the things that really impressed me about the district, they're in no rush to push Lily forward. Their desire is for Lily to mature at her own pace and to progress age appropriately.
There's a big difference between the six year olds in Lily's current class and Lily. They're lacing up shoes already, using phones, it's astounding. Six months can make a world of difference when you've only been on this earth for 5 years.
Have you even been faced with this? Have you ever elected or advocated for your child to repeat a grade? I could really use your advice.
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Wow! I can't believe the cutoff is December 1st. I want to say all (or at least most) Texas schools have a cutoff of September 1st.
My husband's birthday is August 31st and I know that his parents made him repeat Kindergarten because he was the youngest and just not getting it, so they held him back and he did much better the next year.
Wow! I can't believe the cutoff is December 1st. I want to say all (or at least most) Texas schools have a cutoff of September 1st.
My husband's birthday is August 31st and I know that his parents made him repeat Kindergarten because he was the youngest and just not getting it, so they held him back and he did much better the next year.
If the parents feel it is 'maturation issue', there is nothing wrong in holding back the child....
Dear Funny Mom:
My son is an October birthday with a Dec. 1st cutoff. He will be 16 when he starts his senior year next year. When he was in kindergarten we considered holding him back and I wish we would have. The teacher wouldn't do it because she held another student back a couple of years before and he was ridiculed. Does Lilly say anything about it? Is she really frustrated? Good Luck.
Linsey in SoCal
Dear Funny Mom:
My son is an October birthday with a Dec. 1st cutoff. He will be 16 when he starts his senior year next year. When he was in kindergarten we considered holding him back and I wish we would have. The teacher wouldn't do it because she held another student back a couple of years before and he was ridiculed. Does Lilly say anything about it? Is she really frustrated? Good Luck.
Linsey in SoCal
Thanks for your support ladies. Thanks for taking the time to comment. The ridicule thing is something I worry about. Hopefully, if we're able to sell our house, we will be in a new district where the children don't know Lily is repeating the year. That would be ideal.
You know, my sister-in-law's birthday is Dec. 27th. She was never held back, unfortunately she always struggled in school both academically and socially. She never finished college because school just wasn't her favorite thing. She's in a dead end job now and at 40 has pretty much maxed out her earning potential at her current job. I often wonder if she was held back and got the support she needed earlier in school perhaps her life might have turned out differently? It's a thought. Can't help but wonder.
Cheers,
Sherry aka Funny Mom
Thanks for your support ladies. Thanks for taking the time to comment. The ridicule thing is something I worry about. Hopefully, if we're able to sell our house, we will be in a new district where the children don't know Lily is repeating the year. That would be ideal.
You know, my sister-in-law's birthday is Dec. 27th. She was never held back, unfortunately she always struggled in school both academically and socially. She never finished college because school just wasn't her favorite thing. She's in a dead end job now and at 40 has pretty much maxed out her earning potential at her current job. I often wonder if she was held back and got the support she needed earlier in school perhaps her life might have turned out differently? It's a thought. Can't help but wonder.
Cheers,
Sherry aka Funny Mom
Sherry,
Don't sweat the teasing! It is a short-term issue compared to Lily's best long-term interests. (I know-- my parents did the exact same thing for me. Feel free to email me if you have questions.)
My birthday is at the end of August, and I did kindergarten 1 1/2 times-- we moved during the first year, and I started K all over again in the fall. It was my parents' decision, because of maturity issues. My grades and test scores have always been good, so later the school pressured them to skip me ahead, but they didn't-- I am so grateful!
There were times I was teased, when classmates realized I was one of the oldest and asked, “What, did you get _held back_ or something?” When I was young, I felt better answering, “No, I moved during the school year and did K 1 ½ times.” Later, the statements became “You only did well/beat me/won because you’re older!” And my mom and I would talk about jealousy, and whether it was really likely that they would be that much improved in a year.
By high school, the pros actually begin to outweigh the cons. You can get your driver’s license earlier; you aren’t the last girl to have boobs; a year of growth makes a big difference if you play sports; etc.
I think the impulse to send kids to school, lessons, etc. as young as possible boils down to competitiveness: Corey speaks English, Spanish, and Hebrew and plays chess at a 6th grade level and he’s 7! Three things to remember: (1) when Corey is 54, no one will be asking exactly what age he learned Hebrew. (2) If Corey hears Mommy brag about it too much, he will too, and (3) when he hits 54 and no one cares to listen, his self-worth and identity won’t be based on much else.
If an ordinary accomplishment is completed at an extraordinarily young age, it’s impressive, but-- it’s still an ordinary accomplishment. Better to help your child focus and realize the ways they are truly special.
I wonder whether I would have turned out differently, too--like your sister-in-law? Bobby Fischer? (kidding)
I know that between nature and nurture, I have my parents to thank for so much. That year has never “held me back”: I got to attend college on a full academic scholarship, graduate in 4 years with 2 degrees and no debt, start a great job, buy my own house, and today I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful 5-month-old daughter. She has only rolled over twice, and can! not! be coaxed to repeat it. This doesn’t mean she is slow any more than her four teeth mean she is a genius. I know she is bright, and sweet, and happy—and she’ll be starting kindergarten right before her 6th birthday in a few years. (We will stick with private pre-K, where they don’t argue with parents because they’re paying to be there!)
Sorry to be so long-winded. I understand why it's a hard decision for parents, and I feel *really strongly* that repeating was helpful for me and impacted my entire life.
Sherry,
Don't sweat the teasing! It is a short-term issue compared to Lily's best long-term interests. (I know-- my parents did the exact same thing for me. Feel free to email me if you have questions.)
My birthday is at the end of August, and I did kindergarten 1 1/2 times-- we moved during the first year, and I started K all over again in the fall. It was my parents' decision, because of maturity issues. My grades and test scores have always been good, so later the school pressured them to skip me ahead, but they didn't-- I am so grateful!
There were times I was teased, when classmates realized I was one of the oldest and asked, “What, did you get _held back_ or something?” When I was young, I felt better answering, “No, I moved during the school year and did K 1 ½ times.” Later, the statements became “You only did well/beat me/won because you’re older!” And my mom and I would talk about jealousy, and whether it was really likely that they would be that much improved in a year.
By high school, the pros actually begin to outweigh the cons. You can get your driver’s license earlier; you aren’t the last girl to have boobs; a year of growth makes a big difference if you play sports; etc.
I think the impulse to send kids to school, lessons, etc. as young as possible boils down to competitiveness: Corey speaks English, Spanish, and Hebrew and plays chess at a 6th grade level and he’s 7! Three things to remember: (1) when Corey is 54, no one will be asking exactly what age he learned Hebrew. (2) If Corey hears Mommy brag about it too much, he will too, and (3) when he hits 54 and no one cares to listen, his self-worth and identity won’t be based on much else.
If an ordinary accomplishment is completed at an extraordinarily young age, it’s impressive, but-- it’s still an ordinary accomplishment. Better to help your child focus and realize the ways they are truly special.
I wonder whether I would have turned out differently, too--like your sister-in-law? Bobby Fischer? (kidding)
I know that between nature and nurture, I have my parents to thank for so much. That year has never “held me back”: I got to attend college on a full academic scholarship, graduate in 4 years with 2 degrees and no debt, start a great job, buy my own house, and today I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful 5-month-old daughter. She has only rolled over twice, and can! not! be coaxed to repeat it. This doesn’t mean she is slow any more than her four teeth mean she is a genius. I know she is bright, and sweet, and happy—and she’ll be starting kindergarten right before her 6th birthday in a few years. (We will stick with private pre-K, where they don’t argue with parents because they’re paying to be there!)
Sorry to be so long-winded. I understand why it's a hard decision for parents, and I feel *really strongly* that repeating was helpful for me and impacted my entire life.
Sorry for the double post! I swear, I got an error message the first time... I'm not THAT long-winded!
That's unfortunate that you have that dilemma. Here in IL the schools have a September 1st cutoff, and both my boys have December birthdays, so they will automatically be held back. I think it's a good thing for them. I am now pregnant and due at the end of July, so this baby will be a young kindergartener. I guess I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it, but I feel for you now. I truly think that it depends on the kid. If you feel she should repeat, then it's probably best for her. Back in the day the cutoff was January 1st and my birthday is 1/8, so I was the oldest and the only time I can remember it affecting me negatively is when I hit puberty and was obviously more developed than the other girls. Then I got attention from a lot of boys, both in my class and the upper grades. But, that worked itself out by high school, and then I was cool because I was the first one in my class with a driver's license.
Good luck with your decision!
Jen
I am currently in a similiar situation myself and my husband and I made a similiar choice. Our son turned 5 August 26th last year, our cut off date for Kindergarten here in this county in VA is September 30th. So he was eligible to go and we chose to send him to Pre-K instead, because he hadn't had any preschool before. He was a very late potty trainer and I couldn't get him in preschool in time. However after four months, he was having difficulties in the class (learning, not social) and so were we financially. We don't have public JK here, only private, and I didn't want my son to fall any further behind. Fortunately, my mom works as a Library Aide at the local elementary school and I know all the staff and teachers very well. After many discussions, we decided to enroll my son for the latter half of the school year with the intention he repeat Kindergarten next year, since he would have gone anyway. It's worked out well, he seems to be doing better even though academically he is still behind the rest of his class. He'll have the same teacher next year and I think he'll do much better because he will be 6 and already used to the routine and set up of the class, which I hope gives him an advantage. We will have him tested for some learning disabilities, b/c there are still concerns, but at least we can catch them and hopefully get him help. I think it is a personal decision, you know your daughter better than anyone and you have to do what you feel will help her most in the long run. Don't forget school gets harder as they grow, what may seem easy now could become very difficult in third or fourth grade. I believe it's better to hold them back NOW, rather than later in school after they have gotten used to a group of friends. Good luck with your decision.
Sherry,
Are there other options to holding your child back? When I was in school I was a little behind the rest of my class developmentally. Instead of repeating a year, our school had something called "Transitional First Grade." It was a year modeled on both kindergarten and first grade with more playtime than 1st graders got but more class and learning work than kindergarteners got. I think I profited from that added in year but it didn't give me or other students the feeling of having "flunked" kindergarten or being held back.
CS