OMG!  This is by far the worst news story I've heard this morning.  Forget the collapse of the housing market and Hillary's delegate count......a 3 year old hasn't slept since birth.  Kill me already.  And I complain because Lily hasn't napped since she was 18 months old?  I'm starting to feel guilty.  God help those parents.  I recommend Benadryl.  Benadryl is like Cialis for parents.  Millions of kids in this country think they have allergies.  No way baby.  Your parents just need you to sleep.  (Turns out this child actually has a neurological problem, see the link above.)

Does your kid sleep?  Did you have a baby that just didn't need sleep?  Go ahead brag if you must.  I love hearing about children who actually sleep.

Mother's Day is fast approaching and this year, I'm begging my husband for the ultimate gift and it doesn't cost a thing:  time.  Time with my family.  Not even time alone.  I just want him to pack a picnic lunch and go to the park with our daughter and play and have fun.  I say this not to be melodramatic nor because I'm trying to be one of those self sacrificing, "super moms".  I say this because I've just given up on getting any really decent gifts for Mother's Day.  Let's just say that over the five short years I've been a mom, I've received some of the most horrible gifts on Mother's Day.  See below:

 

My father actually thought this was a cute idea.  Because I like gardening so much why wouldn't I appreciate a garden gnome that flashes my neighbors??  The kids think it's a riot.  Over the years they've written various things on the tush like:  blow me; suck it; go ahead I'm easy.  Delightful.  Just what I want in my front garden.  We live in the city garden gnomes just don't work here.  Finally, over the winter break this year, somebody smashed it.  Aaawww.  What a shame.  Not. 

That's right, I love my friends but they're expensive.  We just attended our third confirmation party this year and it's only May.  We love the parties, we love being included in the guest list, we love seeing our friends and better yet partying with them but for the love of god, I hope they don't have any more children.

I don't know where you live but here in NY (and NJ) for that matter, family celebrations are huge, expensive events.  I have a friend in Kansas City whose daughter's confirmation barbecue was held in their back yard and attended by only 20 people - and that was enough.  Here, confirmations, communions, sweet sixteens all rival weddings.  Between ordering invitations, planning the menu, buying the dress, I look at these parties as Weddings 101 for parents because they seem to be practising for the big day.

Celebrate Mother's Day Weekend with MAMA'S NIGHT OUT. 

Just wanted to let you know that the hilarious comedy show (if I do say so myself) MAMA'S NIGHT OUT is coming to the Avalon Theatre, Easton, MD this Friday for a special Mother's Day weekend show.  See here for more details. 

MAMA'S NIGHT OUT is comedy by mothers for everyone.

Yeah he looks like he really has the situation under control.  This is what happens when dads bring their kids to the park - bedlam.  Who says dads are stricter than moms?

Now you know children are just like monkeys right?:  climbing; swinging in trees; recking your home.  Here's a photo of Lily and her buddies doing what they do best: monkeying around in our tree.

Watch out Jonas Brothers here come the Brooklyn Baboons.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back on the internet another wacky news story is spreading like a virus.  It's manic Monday my dear readers.  This one takes the cake:  A Maine woman was taken to a hospital rather than a jail cell after she began going into labor in the back seat of a police car following her arrest on a domestic violence charge this past weekend.

Police said the 23-year-old gave birth after being arrested earlier in the evening for allegedly assaulting her husband in a fight while driving.  Road rage is taking on a whole new meaning.  I'm shocked - she's married at 23!  Poor thing.

Officer Doug Maifeld told the Sun Journal of Lewiston that the woman, who was eight months pregnant, began going into contractions in the back of the police car. He said an ambulance met them at the police station and took the woman to the hospital.  Police said the mother and baby were then taken to Maine Medical Center in Portland, where they were reported to be fine. 

Perhaps all that exertion brought on labor.  I remember taking walks around the hospital to bring on labor I just should have beaten up my husband....lord knows I was in enough pain too.  Did I miss something?  Is beating up other people the new lamaze?  Breathe and beat ladies.  Do you think she'll blame this on raging hormones? 

Did you beat your husband when you were pregnant?  Did you come close?

Hey there Funny Mom fans, if you want some really good belly laughs this weekend come out to see MAMA'S NIGHT OUT on Saturday, May 3rd, at 8:00PM at the Carlisle Theatre in Harrisburg, PA.  Get an early start to your Mother's Day celebration this year.  

MAMA'S NIGHT OUT is comedy by mothers for everyone so bring your husbands they'll enjoy it too.  MNIO is family friendly comedy but please leave the kids at home!

I just heard the news that J Lo and hubby Mark Anthony are going to star in their own reality show on the Learning Channel about balancing family and career.  I am so fed up with the reality genre already.  What ever happened to a little fiction?  Not to say that reality shows aren't completely produced and fake but enough airing of the boring minutia of the lives of celebrities, their ugly, spoiled families and showing them after they've had unneccessary plastic surgery and calling it entertainment already.  

And J Lo just had her babies like a few weeks ago and suddenly she's the authority on balancing career and family?!  Oh yeah, it's so hard to maintain that balance when you have millions of dollars.  Try balancing my entertainment career with my family!  There's no full time nanny in my house to pick up the kids after school, clean the house, no personal assistant to run my errands or drive me to the airport.  Give me a break.  I'm on the ledge people and I'm gonna jump already.  Sounds like the Learning Channel got desperate in their grab for ratings and lowered themselves for another celeb style reality show. 

PS - I did a season on a reality show and I can say with the utmost conviction that they're completely produced.

My husband and I are friends with another married couple who also have a 5 year old - Samuel. They're really good friends and we always look forward to get togethers. Our husbands get along, our kids do, we do too. We take holidays together on the Cape every summer. Sounds perfect right? It was.....(dramatic music - dum, dum, dum)....till their son started hitting our daughter.

This started about 6 months ago. Admittedly, boys play very differently than girls. From what I've observed in the playground and from my own nephew experiences: boys think nothing of hitting; they actually seem to enjoy it; nor do they appear to hold grudges when they've been hit; they're just a different species. Girls are a very different matter altogether. They rarely hit and god forbid they do get hit they will remind you of the 'incident' for years to come: the time it happened; the day; what they were wearing; what they were feeling at the moment, etc....you get the picture.

Custom cars, custom computers, why not custom kids?  The question is asked of almost every prospective parent: "Would you prefer a girl or a boy?"  Upon first pondering a parent's ability to select the sex of their children I must admit, my knee jerk reaction is NO.  I'm of the belief that this much fooling with nature will only result in an imbalance in the population like the one very present in China.  They have entire generations of men with no wives and no more children.   I realize the inherit conflict in saying this because I believe a woman's right to chose is her own private medical decision so logically it should follow the right to chose the sex of her children should be her decision as well. 

Medically speaking, I am aware that doctors often provide genetic counseling to couples who may be carriers of diseases that are more prevalent in certain sexes leaving the couple to decide.  That's appropriate. 

If I could choose the sex of our next child I have to say I'd have another girl only because I have such great clothes from Lily.  I also have some fabulous shoes for 'her' that I'd hate to waste and some great accessories too.  I even have a great name picked out:  Violet.  Then, I could have my little garden of children:  Lily; Violet.  Sounds like science fiction.  And we all know, little boys can be very gross.  I have nephews.  I've seen their disgusting little habits.  I'm kidding people.....or am I???

What do you think?  Should parents be allowed to pick the sex of their children?  Did you?

We babysat our 4 month old god son, Andrew, on Sunday.  It's only been a few years since Lily required constant carrying but wow have baby slings come a long way!  Now Lily was an enormous baby.  She weighed 9.5 pounds at birth (born naturally by the way - hey drugs are natural - 17 stitches later thank you very much) and was 13 pounds by the end of her first month.  I remember one of my aunts gave me a sling at my baby shower.  She kept saying, "I first saw this in Guatemala, all the women down there use them."  To which I replied, "Great, I'll remember that when I'm picking coffee beans in Brooklyn."

I always thought they looked a bit dodgy.  The one my aunt gave me didn't look particularly strong enough to hold my little butter ball.  It was like a sheet with a clip on it and the whole 'one clip' thing didn't thrill me safety wise.  And quite honestly, our über baby was so heavy I couldn't imagine the positioning of her weight being beneficial to my back.  I also wasn't thrilled with the fact that slings looked like a lot of work.  One minute it's a sheet with a clip the next it's a bandanna.  I was never good at making beds I still can't get my corners to look like sails so how could I possibly handle the sheet thing every day.  I'm sure there are millions of women who use them and the benefits they get from them are innumerable.  Good, good for them.  As we say in Brooklyn, "I'm just saying." 

We're faced with an educational dilemma here in Brooklyn. Lily, our five year old whose birthday is December 22nd, is having trouble keeping up in Kindergarten. Believe it or not, they're only 5, 6 at the most, and they're doing fractions this week! Lily, like most kids her age has trouble paying attention so fractions are really a joke to her and she's the youngest in her class so she has 'maturation issues' already. I even tried to make the fractions homework fun last night: if you have one booger and you cut it in two that makes two halves of a booger. You see maturation issues run in the family.

Now fractions to me, are first grade level work. Even Lily's teachers agree the standards of the state educational board that decides on curricula are not age appropriate. But make no mistake, many, many schools are pushing our children to learn earlier and earlier. New York State isn't alone in this. On a lighter note, I believe in a life of lowered expectations and standards. And that we should start disappointing our children now if we're really going to prepare them for the world.

I think these are the perfect solution for people who want to feel like they live in the city but remain in the country.  If you look closely enough you can see the still in the background.  I'll take the penthouse please.

OMG!  I went to our local Keyfood this morning just to pick up a few items, 5 in fact, and the total came to $29.73.  I was so shocked I made the Express Line cashier (who now really hates me) void out the order and do it again.  I hate that she chews her gum so loudly and then snarls into that awful microphone, "Manager to express register."  Much to my chagrin and disappointment, the total was the same - $29.73 for: cookies (one package); breakfast sausages; milk; scallions; and organic apple juice!  Holy crap people!  Now that I'm a mom, I find myself running to the store every day to pick up some item I've run out of.  Looks like I'll run out of money first.  I don't know about a full on recession but I think it's say to say that inflation is way on the rise. 

Have you noticed prices going up on everything as well?  I know we're getting hammered at the pump but what about everywhere else too?   Share your latest sticker shock with your fellow fleeced parents, misery loves company. 

Sorry readers I couldn't help commenting on this photo I saw on AOL.com today.  My b.s. barometer has reached fever pitch and there's not enough Children's Tylenol in this house to break it.  I know what you're thinking.....this photo of Bush must be photo-shopped because we've never seen him expressing real emotion in the form of tears before for the victims of the war that he started in Iraq.  Finally.  But do you think he really cares about all our young soldiers dying over there?  Or for the Iraqi people?  The families (in both countries) that are being destroyed by this senseless war?  The fact that we've taken the most secular country in the Middle East and completely devastated their economy and their infrastructure?  And what about our own economy?  Our own infrastructure?  Our schools? 

The bridge in my neighborhood was just voted one of the 20 most heavily trafficked in the U.S. in need of immediate repair.  And it's over water!  There's no money to fix it either but there's money for a war.  And for those of you who say, that money comes from a different place I say it comes from the same place - the tax payers pocket.  Enough already.  Every great civilization falls:  ancient Rome did too fighting countless wars against supposed 'invaders'.  I wonder if they referred to the Gauls as the evil doers?  A man started this war I think it will take a woman to end it.....and you know who I'm talking about.  But I think it would be even more sweetly ironic if the man to assume office after Bush has the middle name Hussein.  Maybe there is a god after all.

I had lunch with a group of old college buddies today.  Some of us chose to raise our children in urban environments while other parents opted for the burbs.  Now I've always thought there are many benefits to both: urban centers are great for diversity, exposing children to culture, museums, smelly street freaks you know all that great stuff associated with cities; while there's nothing like good 'ole fresh air, green grass, climbing trees, competing with supposedly friendlier people over sh*t no one really needs nor can afford to develop a child's imagination and body.

In a nutshell, I'm saying there are benefits to both.  I've never been one of those people who says I'd choose the city over the country for my child or vice versa.  I'm generally not that black and white about anything.  It's just worked out this way for us career wise: both my husband and I work in NYC.  It's definitely not cheaper to live in the suburbs - let's just dispel that myth.  When all the costs are figured in like commuting and taxes even the New York Times says home ownership costs about the same in the suburbs as it does in New York City. 

We just tend to be city dwellers.  We see the benefits to living in Brooklyn on a daily basis but we love the ease of suburban living....at least it appears to be easier....the grass is always greener because heck we don't even have grass!  If we could just get a Dairy Barn in Brooklyn I swear all our problems would be over: to not have to get out of the car; or circle for hours looking for a parking spot; or wait while some mental patient tries to haggle over the price; just to get a quart of organic milk would be incredible.

One of Lily's classmates was sent to school today with one of her mother's many old Starbucks cups full of juice for lunch.  Now that's definitely an urban child.  I know which mother it was too.  I could just see the poor woman desperate to get her five (that's right I said five!) elementary school children ready for the day.  She probably forgot to turn the dishwasher on the night before and just said, "Oh the heck with it."  Washed out a few old cups she had rolling around the floor of her Cadillac Escallade (someone's got to tell these people that Brooklyn Heights is just an expression not a mountain range) and voila - Lily's friend had espresso apple juice to wash down her PBJ.  She may have started a new trend...espresso apple - for the kid who falls asleep after lunch.

Now despite the negative feedback from readers, I still give my five year old a sippy cup in her lunch bag because sports bottles leak like crazy.  It's not because I have issues with letting go this issue is I've had enough of irate Kindergarten paraprofessionals cornering me at pick up time complaining about sports cups leakage or as they like to call them 'drippy cups' in cubbies.  Generally, when other adults send me notes about 'leakage' it's usually in those naughty spam emails - you know what I'm talking about.  In fact, several terse notes have come home about leakage in the past two months. 

I've often wondered what people in the porn industry and soldiers for hire do for the annual Take Your Children To Work Day.  Apparently, a young woman in Greenville, S.C. brought her infant along to an armed robbery.  Just in time for the annual April event, criminals are getting in on the action.  I guess her sitter cancelled at the last minute.  Don't you hate it when that happens?  And with the rising cost of daycare I guess people really do have to rob a bank to afford it.  To quote one of my favorite bands when I was an undergrad, REM, it's the end of the world as we know it.

Investigators said that they initially thought that 20-year-old Sarah Titi Walker was the victim of a kidnapping that happened last week in connection with an armed robbery.  They said Walker went into the store with the baby, and moments later, a man came in and pulled a gun on the clerk.   He demanded money and after he got the cash, he pretended to kidnap Walker and the baby.  Investigators said they later learned that the armed man was Walker's boyfriend. [Can you say co-dependent?]  Sounds like a very toxic relationship.  Dr. Phil would have a field day with this one.  I could just see the rehearsals for this scam.  Deputies said the couple had set it all up so they could make a quick getaway after the robbery.

Lovely.  I don't even know where to begin with this one.  Fortunately, the baby (and no one else) was injured.  Happy Monday people.  Got any great news stories for us??  Do share.

We have a friend who's 5 year old son is autistic.  We've been hearing different theories for years about the causes of autism in particular and most recently the MMR vaccine.  Is there really a link between the two?  The CDC says no.  Many researchers say yes, but this has happened before.  Look at the prescription drug Viox.  That was the largest drug recall in U.S. history.  A pill that was meant to reduce inflammation and swelling actually increased one's chances for heart attack or stroke twofold.   Ooops.

I think more attention would be given to the subject of autism if somehow it could be linked to Viagra.  'Cause god forbid that drug was recalled men would be rioting in the streets.....for their friends of course...."It's not for me aaaahhh my friend Joe has a problem."  Then you'd see some real action in the laboratory.

What do you think?  I'm curious to know.

I checked out the Miss Bimbo Virtual Fashion Game today after attending a luncheon for a very dignified female icon in the world of black and white print media: the still gorgeous and glamorous at 85 Liz Smith.  The luncheon was held at the Friars Club in New York City and there were many accomplished, educated, funny, non bimbos in attendance. 

All the ladies at our table were buzzing about the aforementioned site.  We were all pretty much in agreement that it puts the whore in horrendous.  Sadly, we are neither surprised nor shocked by it's existence.  We're female comedians for gods sake - we've been commenting on misogyny for years - and making a living at it. 

We're counting on Hillary to make a comment on the site.  The world needs to hear from the apotheosis of non bimbos on this one.  And I can't wait to hear what she has to say.  God knows this poor woman has had her fill of bimbos over the years.  I'm sure she was the first phone call Mrs. Spitzer made last week.  Forget all the nastiness and back biting associated with endless campaigning Hillary.  (She and Barack are now misspeaking and just plain saying things that aren't true because they're bloody exhausted already.  You can see the fatigue writ large their faces.)  And what's more, the American public seems to be growing weary of the campaign already.  Let's get back to the real issues: ending the war; educating our children; taking care of our economy; feeding the poor; raising non bimbos.  Come on now girlfriend.  We need you more than ever Hillary.

We took Lily and her five year old friend, Daniel, to see Horton Hears A Who? last Saturday.  They loved it.  My husband slept through it but I couldn't get comfortable enough to sleep.  It was actually quite good but I'm just so burned on kids entertainment that I was ready to drink the Kool-Aid after only 12 minutes.  Between the Teletubbies, Elmo In Grouchland and Chicken Run, I'm done.  Remember, I work from home so I've been tortured by this stuff for five long years.  Some of you out there are like, "But Carol Burnett's voice is featured in it!"  Yeah, yeah.  So what.

The best part of the film was when it was long over.  Daniel was eating dinner at our house and he announced to us, "Lily and I went to a movie, now we're having dinner together, is today kind of like a date for Lily and I?"

Priceless.

What kids' movie or TV show have you been tortured by recently?

Not only is she a goddess and a Goodwill Ambassador for the U.N. but Angelina Jolie's also a real mom.  This photo warms the cockles of my heart.  She might be on the raw diet along with all the rest of her Hollywood friends but when the chips are down and her kids get the munchies chips will do....and Cheetos for that matter...not even the baked kind.

I wonder how many bags of Cheetos Heather Mills can buy with $22 million.

What is it with Easter and colored eggs?  Is it a symbol of spring fertility?  The whole rebirth thing?  'Cause it's a bit of a stretch to tie in eggs, chocolate bunnies and jelly beans with the crucifixion.  Actually, it's even a bit insensitive.  Sounds more like a Hallmark invention.  I don't think there are any egg hunts in the bible.

Any rate, Easter and Halloween are Lily's favorite holidays.  She was so excited coloring eggs yesterday that I thought she might need a paxil to calm down.  It's my turn to do Easter dinner this year so we're having 10 adults and 4 kids over on Sunday.  So far the menu is: ham; carrots; turnips; roast beef; asparagus; salad; and mushroom risotto.....and of course cocktails.  'Cause a big ole' martini is the only way I'm going to get through another family get together.  Dysfunction Junction here we come!

Is it your turn to cook this year?  What are you making and how many are you making it for?

Between former Governor Elliot Spitzer and that senator playing footsie in a Minnesota airport, you gotta admit:  politicians take a lot of stupid sexual risks.  I think this has been the busiest week ever for political sexual antics.  Just when you thought it was safe to go back on the internet, there's yet another sexual confession by a New York Governor:  the new, blind (I said blind!) Governor Patterson admitted to having several affairs!  I didn't see that one coming.  Ha Ha.  Oh stop being so sensitive.  I'm a comic, I'm entitled.

Am I the only married person not having affairs?  Maybe if Lily was a better sleeper I'd enough energy for an affair but I just don't.  I don't even have enough time and energy for the gym forget a real Jim.  Even the blind are having affairs.  I'm starting to feel left out.

But the Strangest Sexual Political Confession This Week Award goes to former New Jersey Governor McGreevey:  his now ex wife says she participated in a threesome with him.  The third person was a male aide.....and she said she didn't know he was gay!  Give it a rest!  I guess politics does make strange bed fellows.  But yuck!  Why is this story in the news?!  Enough.  I'd much rather hear about our soldiers in Iraq.

The only sexually explicit story about a politician having an affair that I'd like to hear is:  that Hillary had one.  I think most people would be like 'good for her'.  Seriously, I hope I never see that headline.