My mom breastfed me and she drank too.  So technically, I had my first White Russian when I was just six hours old.  No wonder I always slept through the night. 

I've talked about this before but it's worth revisiting.  It still amazes me how much guilt is heaped on women who don't breastfeed.  I was at a parents meeting at Lily's school earlier today.  One of the mothers was feeding her newborn a bottle during the meeting.  The woman was quietly feeding the baby in the back of the room.  If it weren't for the stroller I wouldn't have even known she was there.

One of the parents association volunteers went up to the woman and whispered loud enough for all of us to hear (I guess she wanted everyone to know how considerate or p.c. she is), "If you need to breastfeed you can go in the next room."

The mother responded with, "No thanks, we're fine here."

Then another parents association yenta piped in with, "She doesn't breast feed?!  What's wrong with her?"  If jumping to conclusions were an olympic sport this woman would definitely take the gold.

It's the middle of the night, you are catching up on some much needed mommy beauty rest and then you hear it.  The whimper.  The faint, "Mama, I don't feel good."  You hurry to your child's bedroom and there it is - your poor baby lying in a puddle of sick.  This used to happen a lot with friends when I was in college but it usually didn't signal illness just a great night of partying.  Unfortunately, that's not the case anymore.  This ain't no party ladies.

You glance over at the clock and it reads 2:20am.  Lily doesn't get sick that often anymore (thank god!) but when she does it always seems to strike in the middle of the night.  Why doesn't it seem to happen when I'm fully awake and prepared to deal with it?  The best is, you finally get them all cleaned up, soothe them and put them back to bed.  They have a lovely, restorative sleep while you spend the next hour or so doing laundry, throwing out rugs, whatever - god forbid your husband should help you.  They wake up the next morning all refreshed and feeling 100% better.  You wake up looking like something the cat dragged in and feeling like you're going to throw up any minute.  Then I take her to the pediatrician and spend 10 minutes trying to convince him that she really is sick because if I don't she will get sick again the minute the sun goes down or his office closes!  

Forget counting calories, grapefruit only diets, pills, exercise, guilting yourself, here's my mommy version of the Hollywood Diet: get a stomach virus and throw in a sinus infection.  This is what I had over the weekend and it was fantastic.  I threw up every hour on the hour for almost two days and I never felt better.  I plan to get sick every weekend from here till Spring to reach my goal weight.  This is definitely the way to go. 

How to do this?  Just kiss a toddler any toddler....if you can catch 'em - they're fast.  Fortunately, I caught my friends toddler on Friday.  Mommy and Me classes are great for picking up illnesses by the way.   A Kindergartner is good for this too.  They're always full of phlegm and for at least six months out of the year have icky, runny noses. 

If your children are older just go to a local playground and befriend the mother of a toddler or Kindergartner.  Now you can't kiss them yet because you just met them.  So when the little tike looks like he or she needs to have their nose wiped offer to do it and say something like, "Don't worry mom, I'll take the bullet."  The fat blasting bullet!  Make sure you throw away your pocket size hand sanitizer before you go.  You need to get serious if you want to fit into that bikini again.....and not the one with the built-in skirt.

What mommy weight loss plans do you follow?  Any good tips on picking up stomach viruses?  Any parks notorious for this in your neighborhood?  Share your secrets.

PS - I think the Hollywood Diet is reading one bad script after another.  Nausea is great for reducing hunger.

We have an interesting 'situation' brewing here in the New York City School system:  many of our schools are failing and our Mayor, a truly great businessman, Michael Bloomberg, suggests 'rewarding' students with cash for better grades.  I just learned of this plan at a school meeting held by our principal.  Fortunately, our school is not failing but unfortunately many schools around us are and so are many, many students. 

Okay, tough subject for Funny Mom to make funny - I'm gonna try but give me a few minutes.  First of all, I think in my own laymen's opinion, (I am not nor have I ever been an educator) that there is way too much emphasis put on standardized tests and not actual learning.  I do believe our children are being trained to be good test takers.  Bloomberg is also proposing cash incentives to teachers whose students get higher grades on standardized tests - I'm not really sure how I feel about that. 

Our Lily is only five and her daily hour of Kindergarden homework contains test practise elements because she's already being prepped for the standardized testing she will begin in first grade.  She's already saying things like, "When you can't remember which one is the right answer - a, b, or c - always go with b mama."  To which I simply reply, "Really?  In my day it was always c."  She's obviously learning a great deal.

I cringe every time I get an invitation to a Lia Sophia party, I got two in the same week last month just in time for Christmas:  cheap cake followed by not-so-cheap jewelry let the fleecing begin.  Now, Shieldher, Inc is giving us even more reason to cringe:  Home Taser parties.

It's bad enough that my purse runeth over these days with chapsticks, tissues, hand sanitizers, juice boxes, granola bars, and a blackberry, now women (at least that's what the folks at Shieldher, Inc. want you to believe) are toting their own personal Tasers....and they come in metallic pink!  Whoopee!  The ultimate accessory.  Will they come out with special taser jewels like the ones teenage girls decorate their phones with?  They can combine the Taser with the glue gun and call it the Bed*mned.  Is the Taser the new pocket rocket?  Move over Avon, protection is more than skin deep.  Fear and consumption, that's what we're all about these days my friends.

Can you serve drinks at a home taser party??!!  "Be careful girls don't get the Taser near the punch you could electrocute your self.....lay off the vodka ladies!  Where's the dog?  Let's try this on a human....where's your husband?"

Parents need discipline to say no to their children.

An irritated father complained to his golf buddy. "When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved. But my son has his own color TV, telephone, computer, and CD player in his room!"

"So how do you handle it?" his friend asked.

"I send him to MY room!"

I spent a very frustrating afternoon with Lily and her playdate yesterday it was definitely a double-shot-of-vodka-day. The playmate, Andrew, was a right little so and so who terrorized my child, my last nerve and my living room. Listen, I'm a parent too, I'm not sancti-mommy, Lily tests me as well - they all do - and I know some things are easier said than done. But most importantly, I know and common sense tells me that giving in to a child all the time and not setting limits is setting us all up for disaster.

Andrew, bless his heart, did things like: from the top of the stairs throw down a clump of blocks which flew in every direction possible; when told to clean up the mess he screamed "NO!" at the top of his lungs (funnily enough he doesn't have a problem using the word); he didn't interact with Lily he merely teased her; he screamed in her face the phrase, "You don't have to tell me that twice!" so many times that he proved that he didn't know what he was saying; he was rude; he was crude - he peed all over my toilet (I hate men more every day); and he screamed in his mother's face "You be quiet now!" I know, kill me already.

I know everyone feels guilted and pressured into feeling the need give their kids everything and provide them with every gadget that makes their lives so bloody easy that they're thoroughly unprepared for the world anymore but for god's sake if you really want to help your kids try saying no to them once in a while. Try preparing them for the real world by giving them a healthy dose of disappointment every now and then....this way they'll learn to live a life of lowered expectations and they'll ultimately be much happier.

I actually met a mother this summer who is so afraid to use the word no to her child that she lets her run wild wherever she is.....even in parking lots. "I don't like to say the word no to her because I don't want to hamper her creativity. She could be an artist you know."

"Oh really? I think little Picasso was just hit by a car."