Funny Mom: March 2008 Archives
I've often wondered what people in the porn industry and soldiers for hire do for the annual Take Your Children To Work Day. Apparently, a young woman in Greenville, S.C. brought her infant along to an armed robbery. Just in time for the annual April event, criminals are getting in on the action. I guess her sitter cancelled at the last minute. Don't you hate it when that happens? And with the rising cost of daycare I guess people really do have to rob a bank to afford it. To quote one of my favorite bands when I was an undergrad, REM, it's the end of the world as we know it.
Investigators said that they initially thought that 20-year-old Sarah Titi Walker was the victim of a kidnapping that happened last week in connection with an armed robbery. They said Walker went into the store with the baby, and moments later, a man came in and pulled a gun on the clerk. He demanded money and after he got the cash, he pretended to kidnap Walker and the baby. Investigators said they later learned that the armed man was Walker's boyfriend. [Can you say co-dependent?] Sounds like a very toxic relationship. Dr. Phil would have a field day with this one. I could just see the rehearsals for this scam. Deputies said the couple had set it all up so they could make a quick getaway after the robbery.
Lovely. I don't even know where to begin with this one. Fortunately, the baby (and no one else) was injured. Happy Monday people. Got any great news stories for us?? Do share.
We have a friend who's 5 year old son is autistic. We've been hearing different theories for years about the causes of autism in particular and most recently the MMR vaccine. Is there really a link between the two? The CDC says no. Many researchers say yes, but this has happened before. Look at the prescription drug Viox. That was the largest drug recall in U.S. history. A pill that was meant to reduce inflammation and swelling actually increased one's chances for heart attack or stroke twofold. Ooops.
I think more attention would be given to the subject of autism if somehow it could be linked to Viagra. 'Cause god forbid that drug was recalled men would be rioting in the streets.....for their friends of course...."It's not for me aaaahhh my friend Joe has a problem." Then you'd see some real action in the laboratory.
What do you think? I'm curious to know.
I checked out the Miss Bimbo Virtual Fashion Game today after attending a luncheon for a very dignified female icon in the world of black and white print media: the still gorgeous and glamorous at 85 Liz Smith. The luncheon was held at the Friars Club in New York City and there were many accomplished, educated, funny, non bimbos in attendance.
All the ladies at our table were buzzing about the aforementioned site. We were all pretty much in agreement that it puts the whore in horrendous. Sadly, we are neither surprised nor shocked by it's existence. We're female comedians for gods sake - we've been commenting on misogyny for years - and making a living at it.
We're counting on Hillary to make a comment on the site. The world needs to hear from the apotheosis of non bimbos on this one. And I can't wait to hear what she has to say. God knows this poor woman has had her fill of bimbos over the years. I'm sure she was the first phone call Mrs. Spitzer made last week. Forget all the nastiness and back biting associated with endless campaigning Hillary. (She and Barack are now misspeaking and just plain saying things that aren't true because they're bloody exhausted already. You can see the fatigue writ large their faces.) And what's more, the American public seems to be growing weary of the campaign already. Let's get back to the real issues: ending the war; educating our children; taking care of our economy; feeding the poor; raising non bimbos. Come on now girlfriend. We need you more than ever Hillary.
We took Lily and her five year old friend, Daniel, to see Horton Hears A Who? last Saturday. They loved it. My husband slept through it but I couldn't get comfortable enough to sleep. It was actually quite good but I'm just so burned on kids entertainment that I was ready to drink the Kool-Aid after only 12 minutes. Between the Teletubbies, Elmo In Grouchland and Chicken Run, I'm done. Remember, I work from home so I've been tortured by this stuff for five long years. Some of you out there are like, "But Carol Burnett's voice is featured in it!" Yeah, yeah. So what.
The best part of the film was when it was long over. Daniel was eating dinner at our house and he announced to us, "Lily and I went to a movie, now we're having dinner together, is today kind of like a date for Lily and I?"
Priceless.
What kids' movie or TV show have you been tortured by recently?
Between former Governor Elliot Spitzer and that senator playing footsie in a Minnesota airport, you gotta admit: politicians take a lot of stupid sexual risks. I think this has been the busiest week ever for political sexual antics. Just when you thought it was safe to go back on the internet, there's yet another sexual confession by a New York Governor: the new, blind (I said blind!) Governor Patterson admitted to having several affairs! I didn't see that one coming. Ha Ha. Oh stop being so sensitive. I'm a comic, I'm entitled.
Am I the only married person not having affairs? Maybe if Lily was a better sleeper I'd enough energy for an affair but I just don't. I don't even have enough time and energy for the gym forget a real Jim. Even the blind are having affairs. I'm starting to feel left out.
But the Strangest Sexual Political Confession This Week Award goes to former New Jersey Governor McGreevey: his now ex wife says she participated in a threesome with him. The third person was a male aide.....and she said she didn't know he was gay! Give it a rest! I guess politics does make strange bed fellows. But yuck! Why is this story in the news?! Enough. I'd much rather hear about our soldiers in Iraq.
The only sexually explicit story about a politician having an affair that I'd like to hear is: that Hillary had one. I think most people would be like 'good for her'. Seriously, I hope I never see that headline.
My nephew just told me he doesn't like fish because it tastes too fishy. Sounds about right. I remember hating fish too when I was growing up and that was problematic because we lived on the coast so it graced our table at least twice a week. I remember my mother griping, "You'll eat it because it's good for you not because you like it.".....as she blew second hand smoke from her Benson & Hedges all around the house.
As an adult, I love to eat fish and shell fish but not more than twice a month because of mercury.....despite the heart health advantages. Lily eats salmon or as she likes to call it 'pink fish'. I've been giving her farm raised salmon until I learned that farm raised fish are often higher in PCBs than wild salmon. Now I'm not exactly sure what to do. I've been told canned salmon is an option as canned fish are often wild.
The way I got her into eating fish was to involve her in the cooking process. She actually likes cleaning fish. Who knew? What do you do? Do you serve your children fish?
When parents say they love homeschooling their children that's the Paxil talking....or maybe they're afraid Jesus might send down a lightning bolt or something. Whenever I think of homeschooling I think of Andrea Yates....and look at how that ended. Not Good with a capital N G.
According to AOL News today: "A California court ruling that challenges parents' legal right to teach their children at home is angering home schoolers, who hope the state's Supreme Court will overturn the decision. Otherwise, advocates say, thousands of families may be forced to abandon home schooling."
Good. I may be a stay at home mom (I work nights) but I'm a big believer in school.....outside of the home. I only have one child but I could not for the life of me imagine electing to keep her home 24/7. That just sounds like torture....for both of us. I know of another institution where people are forced to stay with one group all the time it's called prison....and they're all medicated there too. Socialization plays a great role in one's education and isolating one's children at home does not sound like a good plan.....unless you have like 13 children. Then one's backyard truly becomes 'the yard'.
My friend's daughter, Hillary, is only 11 and she's menstruating already. In fact, she started last fall when she was just turning 11. Like me, my friend is also into organic food. That's how we met actually: we struck up a conversation on Flax Seed Oil at our local farmer's market. She started her kids on an organic diet when they were just infants and she's quite the enthusiast, prompting me to rename her the Nutrition Nazi.
Well Hillary just announced to me yesterday that she has PMS. It caught me quite off guard, I had no idea. Not that I would, it's clearly none of my business. I was like. "You have Pre Math Syndrome?" I mean, she's 11 for god's sake....I hated Trigonometry too. Then I suddenly remembered my friend from college, who was quite the hippy, also raising her daughters on organic food and that they all entered puberty quite early too: like 10 or 11. My college buddy didn't start menstruating herself till she was 14.
An 80 year old man decides to take a vacation in Miami to visit his friends. Whilst on holiday, the old man dies. They ship his body back to New York for a funeral. At his funeral, there's an open coffin. His fellow friends from Queens attend the service. Afterwards, one was overheard saying, "Didn't he look wonderful?!" To which another friend said, "Yes, those two weeks in Florida did him a world of good."
We had a great time in Florida.....despite the millions of cranky, old people. How can one live in such paradise, not work, get all sorts of crazy discounts on food and movies and still be so bloody miserable?! And they have Viagra! What else do these people need?
Here we are pursuing Lily's first love: Lighthouses. Now we can mark off the Cape Florida Lighthouse on Key Biscayne from our To Do List.
The only thing worse than seeing yourself in the mirror of a department store when trying on bathing suits is finding out that the one you bought last year mysteriously shrunk, over the winter, in your closet.
That's right....the disgust I felt for my ever-growing, size 10 frame last year, was just replaced by a new loathing for the size 12 I've become! What the heck is going on?! So the tankini with the built-in skirt that I sported last summer and brought along to Florida for my official Winter Humiliation Week is now too tight!! I swear ladies, I'm eating the same amount of junk food juxtaposed with guilt relieving organic salads this year that I ate last year. I always balance my calories: when I stop at Taco Bell for their Burrito Supreme I always get the diet coke.
I'm a mom. I don't have time for the gym and I just can't keep up with diets and I've done 'em all. Remember the Atkins Diet: couldn't eat bread, bread crumbs; you couldn't even get a yeast infection on that. I started running again this afternoon....in the rain....as soon as we flew back from Florida...and now my knees are aching (I deserve it). What do you recommend?
