My friend's son is sooooo tan.  In fact, Angelina Jolie called....she wants to adopt him.  I'm teasing.  I'm jealous actually.  I'm so fair I get moon burns for god's sake.

I wear sunscreen all year long on my face and in the summer I wear SPF 50 every day just to be on the safe side.  Believe me, my friend puts sunscreen on her son he's just got the benefit of Melanin in his system.  He's the ultimate Coppertone Baby.  He even makes Lily look pale and I thought she had a nice color.  Check out his tan line.....left photo.  I love kids with tan lines and opposing white cheeks.  That is just the cutest.  Brian is definitely a handsome little munchkin.

Here's our friend Lora looking very pregnant at my friend Gen's barbeque on Sunday.  The barbeque rocked, the kids were in the pool for about four hours.  Gen & Lora are part of my Brooklyn Momtourage.  Lora was scheduled for a C Section this Friday (7/25).  However, she was experiencing some pre-labor pains at the table that were intense.  With her first child, she went 5 weeks early so she hadn't experienced the 'final week' before.  I have.  All I could think was 'you're at the end kiddo'.  We were all thinking that......it doesn't take a genius.

Well, we were right!  (We should start charging.)  Lora delivered a healthy, 5lb 11 oz, baby girl yesterday - Gianna Grace.   We're all so happy for her and her husband.  It's so exciting, can't wait to meet the newest member of our tot-tourage.  Welcome to the world Gianna Grace!!

Okay, so it's been a while since we traversed to Central Park for a zoo visit.  We just did the Bronx Zoo but why not subject ourselves to more torture seeing as we're WCS members it's free right?!  Wrong.  What you don't pay cash for you pay in blood (literally, Lily fell down some steps), sweat and tears.  Free don't come cheap baby.

Why not go to the Central Park Zoo when it's 95 degrees out??!!....forget the humidity.  The millions of tourists were a blast too.  There's nothing like being surrounded by a swarm of confuzzled looking, non-English speaking, panic stricken people loaded down with bags from "The M&M Shop Times Square" who back up right in front of you while trying to get 20 of their friends and family in one single photo completely crushing your toes at the same time.  And yet, even after they tap dance on my twinkies they still manage to get me to take the photo for them - and with them in it this time of course. 

It's Official:  Lily hates me.  And to think, less than two hours ago I was the best mama in the world....because I put whipped cream on her popsicle.  How fickle is her love!  Just because I had the temerity to ask her to put away her shoes....excuse me, not even put them away, just pop them in the shoe basket less than 5 feet from where she was sitting.  What a shrew!  What a cow I am.  Mean mommy is back.

No matter how much I joke though, actually hearing your darling child spew venom like "I hate you" stings just a little bit.  I try to be all logical and respond with, "It's okay that you hate me for the moment.  I still love you.  Now put your shoes in the basket or no Little Einstein's today."  When inside I'm like, "Screw you kid!  Do you know what I went through to have you?  You were 9 and a half pounds.  That translates to 14 stitches.  My vagina was pretty much rerouted because of you.  Now when I sneeze I pee myself.  Thanks kid.  Take your crocs and blah blah......(various unmentionables)." 

But it's all okay.  She is definitely just asserting her 5 year old, alpha female independence. If I'm feeling particularly needy all I have to do is send a few Oreos her way and I'm back in....but mean mommy is no sucker.  Share your "I hate you mommy" stories with us please....I guarantee you'll feel much better.

 

 

 

I was up in Maine last week with my show MAMA'S NIGHT OUT (click on the link for a great performance clip). We were invited back to Deer Trees Theatre in Harrison for another sold out show, in fact they had to add 30 seats to accomodate the overflow....I'm bragging I know but I'm so proud of the ultimate momtourage - Mama's Night Out.  I'm really proud of our group and I couldn't be happier to be working with fellow funny moms and great friends Karen Morgan and Nancy Witter.

We have a blast when we're on the road.  First of all, it's usually only for 24 hours so we have to pack in days of partying (get the vodka) into one night.  We stay up late ranting, raving and laughing about the economony, politics, our neighbor's horrible children...till the wee hours of the morning.  I still love chatting with my single friends in the city but there's nothing like relating to fellow moms about motherhood, husbands, balancing career and family.....that's why we all need our own momtourages.  I couldn't be happier with mine.  What's yours like?

I used to be able to live frugally but nicely on about $150-200 a week.  It went on food and gas but I still had money left over for the little things like an ice cream at the park, a slice of pizza for Lily (I'm on Weight Watchers remember?), an impulse outfit buy for Lily or a quick trip to the dollar store for some lead laden pool toys.  But now, that $150-200 is just flying out of my pocket! 

I spent $48 filling up my gas tank the other day and that's for a small, economical car.  (I can't imagine what all those fools who drive SUV's were ever thinking.)  My car may be old but it still gets around 32-33 miles per gallon so I'm going to drive it till the wheels fall off.  Then, I went to the grocery store to quickly get some milk, bread, and other staples and I spent another $47 bucks!  Now, I've got just $5 cash till I break down and go to the cash machine.....something I hate doing.

All our friends are feeling the pinch too so we're having our very first 'pot luck' barbecue with our neighborhood momtourage in Brooklyn this Friday.  Everyone brings one dish so the responsiblity of feeding everyone doesn't fall on one family.  And, we each bring a cocktail pitcher or bottle of wine.  It's a cheap night out and it's going to be a blast 'cause there's nothing more fun than hanging with good friends and enjoying good food.....the laughter of all the kids playing in the background is a big help too.

What are you doing to lighten your budget?  Any tips on saving money?

It's summer and schools out!  Time for the annual flood of friends and family from all over the world to visit NYC....and stay with us.  People in our family jokingly refer to our home as the Brooklyn B&B....only we serve dinner and lunch too thank you very much. 

It's only July 9th and we've already had 2 sets of visitors.  Last week, we had the more enjoyable visitor - our friend's eleven year old son Jonathon.  Lily just adores him and they had a fabulous time together.  We did: the beach several times; the Bronx Zoo;  Statue of Liberty (Statued of Liverty as Lily calls it); Chinatown; Little Italy; parks; and the grand finale....the latest Disney Pixar release Wall-E.  Thank god my husband stepped in and let me sit that one out.  I'm fried on children's television and films.  I don't care how cute the trailor is there's not enough alcohol in the world to get me through another kids summer blockbuster release.

 

P.S. - I bribed Lily with candy to look directly at the camera for this shot!

Just when you think you've got the perfect shot of your child it happens.  You check in 'review' and see that your little darling's eyes were focused somewhere other than the camera.  Darn it!  Thank god for digital cameras.

This is a regular occurrence around here.  The only time Lily ever looks directly at the camera is if it's a professional photo session or by accident or if I'm waving chocolate.  Here's a shot of Lily emerging from a fake log at the Bronx Zoo....and looking somewhere else.  Yes, thanks to global warming the even logs are fake now.

Hey there ladies.  I have great news.  As of this week I lost 20 pounds on Weight Watchers!!!  I'm so pleased.  It's been tough but now I'm eating healthier most importantly eating less and I work out 3-4 times a week.  My cholesterol also went down to 180 so I'm really thrilled.

Today is July 4th one of my two favorite holidays....the other is Thanksgiving because for me it's all about getting together with family and friends and sharing a great meal.  However, today I'm really going to be mindful about what I eat as I tend to overload myself at barbecues with pasta and potato salads (and chips and booze).  This year, it's my turn to host and I'm only preparing healthy salads, no pasta or starchy ones, and lots of lean meat.  I've asked my guests to only bring fruit salads and fresh fruit dishes for desserts.  It's going to be a delicious day.  Freedom from fat is one of the best freedoms of all.

We read to Lily every day and always before bedtime but now that school is out for the summer, we are really rev-ing up the reading and with gas being almost $4.50 a gallon I see a lot of books in our future.  At the moment, my favorite children's author is Mo Willems partly because he's a fellow Brooklynite and partly because his books are just positively hilarious.  He's penned a series of stories about a true George Costanza inspired, urban pest:  the pigeon that are just drop dead, laugh out loud funny and as a comedian I really appreciate that.    "Don't Let The Pigeon Drive The Bus" and "The Pigeon Has Feelings, Too!" are just a few of the titles that we love in this house.

Children's books can be almost as monotonous as children's television so we always appreciate ones that we can all laugh at.  Do you have any recommendations?  Any titles you want to share?  They don't have to be funny.

Just want to give you the heads up that the family centric comedy show Mama's Night Out will be returning to Maine for a special, one night only performance on Thursday, July 10th, at Deer Trees Theatre in Harrison, Maine.  Mama's Night Out is my comedy momtourage or com-tourage starring Karen Morgan, Nancy Witter and moi. 

We all met and became great friends while filming the first season of Nick At Nite's SEARCH FOR THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA.  After that taping wrapped, we put together our own show and we've been touring to sold out crowds across the country. 

Mama's Night Out is comedy by mothers for everyone.  Hope to see you there.

Lily graduated from Kindergarten on Tuesday.  It was a lovely ceremony.  They sang songs that all contained a graduation theme or the lyrics were altered to suit the occassion like instead of the Marine Corp march, "I don't know, but I've been told...."  they sang "Kindergarten is all done first grade here we come".  It was just precious.   I found myself weeping often during the ceremony, I was quiet about it I didn't make a scene, but I was quite emotional....so were other mothers too.

It's sad to think Lily's baby days are really just a memory now.  She looked so grown up on that stage until she started picking her nose.  She brought the house down when they handed her her certificate of completion.  She turned to the audience and did a deep bow and waved to the crowd like she was on American Idol, it was very 'vote for me'.....and she's never even seen that show.  It's easy to see Lily comes from a show biz family.

I went to a baby shower this weekend.  I was a little disgusted and surprised when I received the invitation as the mother-to-be is not a first time mom and her first child is only 4.  It was weird.  I had the strangest sense of deja vu as I can even remember what I gave her for her first shower.  This is her second child but she's expecting a girl this time so her family felt compelled to have yet another one for her.  They were kind of aware they were pushing the limits of taste too as they called it a Baby Sprinkle.  They just should have called it what it was, "Another Opportunity For Someone Else To Spend Money On My Children" or  "Oh you're pregnant again, here take my wallet."

This is up there with the people who get divorced and married again but have the nerve to invite their friends to another bridal shower.  I'm like, "Just use the gift I gave you for your first marriage...if you didn't already break it over his head."  Actually, I stand corrected.  Maybe a second bridal shower is appropriate after divorce as he may have taken half her stuff. 

Any rate, back to the second baby shower.  Have you ever heard of such a thing?!  Is this just a New York thing?  People in this state spend $30k on confirmation parties so I guess the new trend of having more than one baby shower per mom per child is not such a stretch.  7 of the 7 women at my table were all surprised too.  In fact, when my friend Carol (also a friend of the mother-to-be) asked the sister-in-law why she was having yet another shower the woman became all defensive and said, "It's the new thing.  Haven't you heard?" 

Have you heard?  Am I behind on this?  What do you think?  I'm a little peeved.  The mom-to-be-again was also very shocked by the shower (and slightly embarrassed), she said to us on the Q.T., "I'm grateful and it's lovely to see everyone again but this isn't my first."

 

Any one who knows me knows that I'm for girls having all the same opportunities as boys.  I'm a comedian for gods sake!  Try breaking through the glass ceiling of that boys club.  I'm definitely for the whole, "You go girl" movement.  I loved the Spice Girls.  I always try to set a good example for my daughter and my niece too by demonstrating that women can do anything that men can do...albeit the physically obvious like peeing standing up (unless they're drag queens).

We went to our friend's son's wrestling tournament the other day.  Much to my surprise and delight girls were participating in every weight class of the match.  However, they didn't have a separate girls league yet because there isn't enough interest.  (Give it time I say, whenever we heard there was a girls league in any sport of any kind when we were growing up we participated and our father encouraged us to.) 

Seeing girls wrestle with boys was just wrong.  It looked like an attack or like we were interrupting something....... 

The only thing better than a summer home is a friend with a summer home.  This is the place our little Brooklyn family hopes to be visiting every weekend this summer.  Yes, we have a pool in our backyard but nothing beats the heat of a summer in the city like a weekend in the country.

Long Island Railroad here we come.

Do you have any plans to get away this summer?

The next time your child needs disciplining forget time outs, the naughty chair, loss of privelages and spanking.  How about taking them on a trip to the cemetary to visit Santa??!! 

I don't know where my friend gets these photos.  She's a mother of 5 girls ranging in ages from 2 to 19.  I imagine when one has that many children that psychological torture is something one would rely on from time to time.

I was extremely proud of Lily this weekend....I'm proud of her everyday but this past Sunday she demonstrated a level of confidence and self assurance that I simply did not possess at age 5.  I grew up in the 70s.  Our parents were and still are completely different than the parents of today.  Let's just say our parents could have used a little sensitivity training.  My mother definitely missed that boat. 

I know my mother loved and still loves me but she has difficulty showing it and saying it.  I'm totally fine with it believe me, I got over it a long, long time ago.  She thinks she's being helpful when she puts us down.  She definitely made me into the comic that I am today.  She actually believes her constant comments about my weight (for almost 10 years) will inspire me to lose it.  Comments like: "Maybe you should just use a shovel."; "You shop at Dress Barn because you're as big as cow."  And like a true comic she doesn't work without an audience, these comments are always in front of groups of people, family, in public places etc.....  However, her comments did not inspire me to join Weight Watchers and lose 20 pounds.  That I did all on my own recently.  A few positive words from her once in a while would be more helpful but that's not going to happen.  Unfortunately, she can't even do that for herself forget others.

We've got another lice outbreak in our school in the Kindergarten wing.  Just thinking about it makes me itch.  I'm trying to keep our 5 year old lice free this school year so we're doing the whole 'up do', hair gel, mousse, hair spray thing.  We've also been advised to not wash her hair as often because the dirtier the scalp and hair the less the lice are able to adhere....for lack of a better term.  Does that really work?  Any suggestions?  Any home rememdies you know of that somehow keep these pesky varmints away??  HELP!!  Please share.

Every day we hear crazy stories on the web.  Today apparently, the trend continues.  This one comes from BBC News.  A 30 year old woman gave birth during a friend's batchlorette party in the UK.....the kicker.....she didn't know she was pregnant.  Ally Ashwell, from Newcastle, was touring the seaside town's pubs and clubs in a bumble-bee outfit when she began to feel unwell. She returned to her hotel room, where the shocked 30-year-old found herself delivering her own baby. 

I hope she left a nice tip for the chamber maid.  How selfish taking the attention away from the bride like that.  What a Bridesmaidzilla.  I bet she's out of the wedding party. 

The fragile 2lb boy - named Owen - is being cared for in the intensive care unit of Blackpool Victoria Hospital.  He's doing well.

How the heck can this happen in this day and age?!  This wasn't an underage girl from a third world country this was a hard drinking, hard partying girl from England in a bee costume!  Maybe that was the problem, maybe she's been partying a little too much.  It's a bear in a bee costume!  That's an inside joke for my girls or momtourage - Mama's Night Out. 

I feel like I'm the only woman left in NYC that hasn't seen SEX IN THE CITY  the movie.  It's opening weekend box office topped $55million according to MSN films, a number that way surpasses the population of all five boroughs.  I'm waiting to see it with my Mama's Night Out momtourage 'cause that's how you're supposed to see this movie...with your girlfriends.  The only problem is, I won't be seeing them till July so until then I'm going to be sexless in the city till then. 

Did you see the movie?  Did you see it with your girlfriends or should we be making whipping sounds followed by meowing cat noises for your husband?  How was it?  Please let me know but don't give away the ending. 

Hey there friends.  Just want to let you know that I'll be in Baltimore this weekend for a taping of the debut of the hot new, theatrical comedy experience:  Divercity:  3 Women, 3 Worlds, 1 Stage.  This is the first theatrical comedy that brings together women of different colors and ethnicities on the same stage.  The ladies of this show are my new Momtourage. 

"Sara Contreras , Meshelle and Sherry Davey (moi) bring to life America's true DIVERCITY.  Politics & Stereotypes all hang in the balance, as this Theatrical Comedy Experience launches with its sights set on celebrating what AMERICA hopes to be on its BEST BEHAVIOR.  With Sara's Latina energy, passion, and wit , Meshelle's undeniable African-American consciousness and charm, and Sherry's British-Jewish-ness with the heart of a Brooklyn-ite, you'll get a full course of music,stand-up, and improvisation served with a dose of red/white/blue boldness that is DIVERCITY!"  If we can laugh together we can live together.

We sat through our first very-over-the-top skating recital for Lily this past Sunday.  By over-the-top I mean 4 year old girls in full make up with their hair professionally quaffed in skimpy little outfits.  Some of the parents even hired professional photographers to capture that special moment on the ice for posterity.  What are these people going to do for these kids' weddings?? 

Anyway, I was so proud of Lily.  At five, she's the youngest in her class but had all the moves down just like the older girls.  However, when it came to show time she froze and just stood there picking her nose...literally.  For 90 seconds of the routine, basically the whole thing, that's all she did.  Oh well.  She's 5 for goodness sake.

OMG!  I was watching CNN this morning and they were going on about the dangers of bunk beds.  Give me a break already!  Enough with the scare tactics and the crappy reporting and looking for stories where there are none.  If you are stupid enough to not properly install a bunk bed and then your child gets hurt then you should put your helmet back on, hop on the short bus and go very very far away.  And if your child hits their head on the bottom of the top bunk believe it or not, he/she will survive.  The fun they have with bunk beds far outweighs the dangers.  I'm surprised that bunk beds don't come with built-in safety straps for our litigious, neurotic society.

Bunk beds are dangerous if they're not installed properly?!  No sh**!  Tell me something I don't know.  So are training wheels and baby gates and other child safety devices.  Beware the dangers of the high chair!  Take a pill please.  I'm surprised the media didn't link bunk beds to terrorism:  Al Qaeda is lurking on the top bunk! 

When we were growing up my parents never had enough time nor money to spoil us.  They were so busy just making ends meet that if we didn't like what was on our plate for dinner there were no 'other options' (like "...don't worry, I went to Costco I've got extra grilled chicken in the fridge..."), if we cried because we didn't want to go to bed we got spanked.  There was no negotiating with those two.  But when it comes to their grandchildren, my parents completely indulge them....as it should be.  Consider the photo to your right exhibit A. 

Lily asked for an ice cream yesterday and my mother spent 10 extra minutes cutting up enough strawberries and Hershey's kisses to make a 'Rooster' cone for her.  This is coming from the same woman who said phrases to us like, "I'll knock you into next week."  Go figure.

Do your parents spoil your children? Tell us how.

I love a parade.  I know it sounds hoaky but I don't care.  I especially love small town parades.  I love all the fan fare associated with the local rotary club, the local Kiwanis organization, the blue haired old ladies marching for the local 'historical society' (I particularly love their historically accurate costumes combined with their Easy Spirit flats), the drum majorettes, the firemen, and most importantly, the Veterans of Foreign Wars who are finally getting the respect they deserve.  This past Memorial Day weekend was perfect weatherwise.  In fact, it's the first Memorial Day in five years (I know, I've been keeping track) since Lily was born that it wasn't raining or bloody freezing so we made sure to attend several parades and they did not disappoint.  Here are some pics: