You could say I’ve constructed the last decade of my life via the Internet. After all, it’s how I make a living, it allows me to keep bonds growing with friends near and far and it’s how I met my husband, which led to having children.
Ruby-lipped, hair shining, screaming “David pinched me,” and “Rafael’s copying me,” my two little boys want what I want: food, play and the sleep of dreams. And like them, I need to know that despite my mistakes, “I’m still good”—especially at the hardest job I will ever do—the work of mothering.
Yes, there is a Mother’s Day to salute and celebrate moms for their nurturing service to humanity, but like all holidays, it’s just a marker, a token day of thanks. After the breakfast in bed, the bouquet of flowers and the box decorated with bright green noodles have been given, it’s back to setting the alarm clock for another day. When I read in a New York Times article on couples’ counseling last year that one wife felt having kids had turned her into a drudge, I laughed out loud—partly in recognition and fear too that I was becoming her.
Drudge-Buster
There is some drudgery in parenting, let’s face it. But support from other moms can make it feel a lot less lonely. For me, and I suspect for a lot of iVillagers, that support is found on the Internet, at the end of a hard day when the house is finally quiet, in the email message or post that says, “you’re doing fine, in fact, you’re doing great.”
Keeping the balance between who you are as a mother and a person isn’t easy, and it cannot be done without a “momtourage.” These are the people in your life who support you day-to-day. It might include your partner, mother in law, babysitter, cleaning person or the friend, often also a mother, who tells you you’re not crazy, and in fact has her own story to tell.
]]>
Motherhood shouldn’t be isolating and no mom should have to do the work alone. And yet, for many moms, isolation can creep in, perhaps in just wondering if there’s something flawed about how they are raising their kids. Without the words, “You’re good enough,” and “Trust your gut,” uttered by my inner circle of mom-friends, life would be a lot poorer.
These women, whom I found on a Brooklyn Internet message board, form an important part of my “momtourage.” Over the past five years, we have talked each other through long moments of financial, marital and parental panic. Between the six families in the group, we’ve survived threats—real and imagined—of bankruptcy, landlord/tenant court, job layoffs, medical insurance running out and marital separation. And between six women, we’ve also celebrated four new babies, a few new jobs, jewelry shows, new plays, stories and poems, many of which have been published.
My Lifeline
As mothers who balance kids, careers and family, we call our group the “Birthing Room” – a place to meet both in person and via email – where we can figure out how to take the next small step towards old and new goals, lofty or seemingly mundane. One week Rahti and Judi arrange an “organizing swap,” where they visit each other’s homes and dig each other out from under the clutter. It’s a step closer to Rahti’s goal of finishing that play she started six months ago and to Judi’s of musing over a color group for a new jewelry series she’s been trying to start. Whether it’s supporting each other with childcare, household chores or listening to a new idea to make money or fulfill a creative passion, this group is a lifeline. In fact, the group’s founder, Rahti Gorfien, was so inspired by its success, that she is now a professional artist life coach.
Once I had kids, I had to find space in my crowded life for what fed my soul. I had originally come to New York, via Canada and Switzerland, to study poetry. The other five women in the “Birthing Room” demanded that I strategize ways to steal back an hour or two each week for poetry, whether to write it, read it or send it to publishers. As a result, I’ve miraculously found a publisher for the first book of poems and I’m halfway toward finishing a second manuscript. But the Birthing Room bolstered more than my creative goals. When I was worried about my first son’s high lead levels and speech delay, the group kept me sane.
The Juggling Act
My boys are nearly four and six now, and I work full-time at iVillage while my husband is a stay-at-home dad, a flip from how we began raising our family. It’s an arrangement that evolved as his work as a sound editor dried up with changes in the entertainment industry, and mine, as an editor and writer, picked up steam on the Internet. Our life is a daily juggling act between my commute to work, school drop-offs and pickups, buying groceries and doing shifts at the Park Slope Food Coop, cooking, household chores and Goodnight Moon.
We’re doing fine and everyone’s healthy, but at a time when food and gas prices are skyrocketing and the economy is sputtering, our position feels precarious. Like the majority of American families, we know trouble is only a job-loss away. “Don’t borrow trouble,” my momtouarge reminds me, and I’m able to relax again, even if only for a day or so. If we experience our lives navigating the collision of our circumstances and choices, we make ourselves more agile by connecting with others.
Last week, when my five-year old asked, “is there a kid’s day?” I of course said, “well, that’s every day,” (even though there is a Universal Children’s Day, it gets little public recognition). As mothers find each other on the Web and share their stories, concerns and advice, Mother’s Day could become a day like any other too.
-- Carla Drysdale, Managing Editor
]]>
This was one of Larry's Mother's Day gifts to me. Once in a while I like a good horror flick so why wouldn't I appreciate this scary, ugly head thing?? Give me a break. How about a piece of jewelry for god's sake. It's so bloody awful and Lily is so frightened of it that it has remained in the box since 2004. What was he thinking?! Another thing to donate to our school's garage sale this year.
Yeah he looks like he really has the situation under control. This is what happens when dads bring their kids to the park - bedlam. Who says dads are stricter than moms?]]>
Now you know children are just like monkeys right?: climbing; swinging in trees; recking your home. Here's a photo of Lily and her buddies doing what they do best: monkeying around in our tree.